After a morning spent with our ENT determining that Mabel will indeed lose her tonsils and adenoids this summer, I felt the mood of the van was rather dim so I threw it out there. Yes, it was my voice I heard say, “We should go swimming.” Cheers and applause followed and then a pause and Mabel said, “Wait! Mom, are you going to get in?” I didn’t answer because frankly I didn’t know if I could do it.
Next thing you know I was standing in my closet staring at my collection of what I refer to as my “Olle’s” or Old Lady Lands End Swimming suits. You know the ones I’m talking about….skirts!!! These are the questions that went through my head….”Which is the best of the worst?”, “Which one goes with super white nun legs?”, and finally, “How long until my kids bust in here?”
In another instant I was standing in front of my bathroom mirror….it’s a mirror above a large jetted tub so all you see is from your knees up to your boobs….I will share with you now that that is my least favorite section of my body but I do appreciate the convenience of my head not being seen so that I can perpetuate my psychological disconnect and denial that it is indeed my body that I see in the mirror. I couldn’t believe it had been a year and it was swim season again. It was time for a pep talk. Oh the odd things that went through my head….”Do it for Johnny, man. Do it for Johnny.” It didn’t work because I don’t have a kid named Johnny. “Keep your head down. Keep your head down. Keep your God damn head down.” Wait, that’s instruction for golfing. “It’s not over until the fat lady sings” and with that I belted a little bit of “Pour Some Sugar on Me” (inspirational song from high school basketball), realized how gross that was and then I could no longer ignore the voices from outside my door….”Mom, come on! Mom, we already did sunscreen. Mom, we made sure we got you the biggest towel.”
I didn’t want to do it! One last glance in the mirror and all at once I found the inspirational words that I needed….no, it wasn’t Babe Ruth, Coach Bryant, Stuart Smiley, or even John F. Kennedy….instead it was two real estate agents. Pat Coursault, a friend and real estate agent, told me in May of 2001 that “it’s all so good right now even though you don’t think it is. Please, wear what you want and tuck in your shirt because you have to realize how good it is!” In another flash I heard the words of Terri Domm, a New Yorker stuck in the south selling real estate from her lavender Cadillac who said to me……”I have spent 5 days showing you houses and every time we drive past a pool or tennis court you have a cow. You may not love your body but I would have given anything to have a body that would allow me to bring three gorgeous children into the world so suck it up sister!” They were so right.
So we made the short walk down to the pool and as we entered the gate, Pat Coursault and Terri Domm went right out the window and there I was faced with the ultimate smack in the face…..skinny minis everywhere I turned, who all had the gall to come to the pool on the very first day that I had to be brave. To make matters worse, they are all nice skinny minis, two of whom have given birth in the last 7 months but still look better than me, and the added bonus of some college girls…… Why? Why did the pool have to be packed today? It took me all of 15 minutes before I wanted to strip off my cover up and get in because it was so stinking hot. I took a deep breath, put on my shades so that my white legs wouldn’t scar my pupils for life, and then made the long walk to the edge of the pool (it’s all of three feet but it felt like a mile). Three hours of fun ensued complete with great conversation with great ladies.
So there it is….yes, I am a 39 year old woman who has major self-image issues. I’m very aware of how wrong it is especially given the fact that I’m raising two girls, but in the end all that matters is that each summer I put on my “olle” and go the pool. I don’t love my giant legs or my hips, or my butt, or my gut or my lack of a rack…but I am thankful that this body, this vehicle has successfully let me lead the life I want to live and bring children into this world. Tomorrow will be a little easier because I will remind myself of my own little motto….”Big girls and bratwurst always look better brown” and my first trip gained me a little color.
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